Waiting for KKIVF to open so that I can go for the dreaded BT.. I started spotting red last evening.. Which really scared the hell out of me.. Hubby rushed home and I just cried and cried.. It wasn't alot, just when I wipe and watery brownish red.. But it was enough to drive me crazy.. I wasn't having any cramps.. Just this "tummy very full" feeling like when my AF was going to start..

This morning.. I woke up to brown again but then it could be because of gravity since I'm lying down sleeping the entire night.. I dread going to the toilet, dread seeing red again..

Thus, the subject of this post.. Preparing for the worst.. I know I'm not out yet, because there's no full flow.. I also know some IVF-ers spot alot and go on to have successful pregnancies.. I just dont think I'm one of the lucky few.. I've never won anything in a lucky draw before or had any windfall with lottery so this isn't the luck I will get.. Plus I really don't feel pregnant at all...

I told hubby yesterday that if this was to fail.. I want to take a longer break before starting on IVF #3.. He said he was thinking if we should stop trying via IVF.. With all the needles that he see poked into me and the swells and pain I have to endure.. But it's not the process that scares me.. Poke me with a needle everyday of pregnancy if it means keeping my baby safe.. It's the results I'm afraid of facing...

In my first IUI, AF reported on the dot, exactly 14 days after O. In the last IVF cycle, I started spotting just 9 days past my transfer which became full flow menses by the time I went for BT.. This time round, everything seemed so much better.. Only very light spotting on 12dp2dt... It gave me hope, though I cautiously know not to have too high hopes.. But yesterday's red really broke me..

Haiz.. I should have more confidence in Money and X5.. But intuition tells me, if hasn't worked this time too.. Sorry for being so pessimistic babies, but they say a women's intuition is very accurate isn't it? It's also a way for the blow to be softened just a little bit when I get the call later..